DR. JUDITH'S WEEKLY COLUMN

WHY CAN'T SHE AND HER PARENTS GET ALONG?

Dear Dr. Judith:

I am a female and a senior in high school. My life is finally getting under control. I have agitated manic depression and have been dealing with it for about nine years now.

I have a very explosive temper. My mother knows this and antagonizes me to see how far she can push me. Why do I let her bother me so deeply? I am 17 years old, so I don't have long before I can move out. But I don't want it to be like this anymore.

I have been going to counseling for about a year, now. When we are with the counselor, my mother and dad put on their, "We-love-you-and-care-about-you-we only-want-to-help-you" face. But it is different when we get home.

I never get angry at anyone else but my parents. It is very hard for me to be the bigger person to my parents. How can I be stronger?

Why am I so scared of being vulnerable to them? I always go to the big, "I-am-stronger-than-you" defensive side. Why can they hurt me so bad?

-CAN'T STAY COOL WITH MY PARENTS

Dear Can't,

Transitions - going from one set of rules to another - can be a huge challenge to navigate. At age 17, you have entered one of the major transition phases of your life.

To you, this means your parents should let you do what you want to do right now. When they don't, it feels to you as though they are refusing to respect your entry into adulthood. After all, you reason, in a matter of months your parents will no longer have legal authority over you, anyway. What's the big deal?

To your parents, however, here's the big deal: They view these precious few remaining months as their last chance to instill in you the values you will need to survive in the adult world. When you rebel against the guidelines they have set for you, it makes them fear that you don't yet understand what responsible living looks like. That causes them to panic... and sometimes overreact.

To you, turning 18 is all about having the freedom to do whatever you feel like doing. But your parents have learned the hard way that successful adulthood also means choosing not to give in to your feelings. What's more, a lot of the time it means making yourself do what you don't feel like doing.

Now let me give you a simple, powerful secret that can turn this whole thing around: Instead of breaking your parents' rules every chance you get, just follow them - without complaining. More than anything else you can say or do, this will help your parents relax and feel as though they have done a decent job of preparing you for adulthood. Why make them fear your 18th birthday? Instead, show them that it's safe to celebrate it with you.

May I share one more secret with you? Don't resent these last few months at home. There's no way you can know it now, but your life will never again be this safe or this easy. You will never pass this way again. Savor it.

______________

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